Zoe Fernandez and the Last Dumb Diet

Can you tell I’m re-reading Harry Potter at the moment? Heh. I’ll try and restrain myself with Potter references for the rest of this post, but seeing as I’m literally writing this for a rapt audience of one at this point (me), it doesn’t really matter what I reference.

But crashing on….

This post (and blog) is a metaphorical line in the sand. Like a lot of women, I’ve been on a diet since ever since I can remember – since before I had a choice, in fact, as I can distinctly recall being given Special K for breakfast and a Get in Shape Girl kit (which I think I asked for), even when I was still in primary school.

In high school, I did the Cabbage Diet with my parents, introduced ‘Saturday Sweet Days’ to cut down on the sugary stuff and  – when I was too large to fit in the normal-sized school uniforms –  I was given an old Jane Fonda workout DVD in an attempt to sweat the lard devil out of me.

I got the message in my later teens – I went to Rosemary Conley classes, asked for a Step Reebok for Christmas, and followed Slimming World for a while. But it didn’t quite translate into a healthier shape.

Oddly, the most success I found was when I took a year out of college and worked at KFC. I’d spend my 8-hour shifts running around putting orders together and goofing off with my friends (hey, I was 19, it’s practically the law to dick about at that age) and hit upon a really fun and massively stupid diet – it was the ‘Eat one meal a day at home and then just chain smoke and drink Diet Coke on your breaks’ diet. It worked, and for a few months in 2001 I looked slim and felt like I ruled the world. But a girl cannot survive on ciggies and Diet Coke alone (well, this girl can’t anyway), and as soon as I got back to uni I chubbed up so fast it was like something out of the Nutty Professor

Since then I’ve tried Slimming World again (twice), Weight Watchers (also twice), and paid good money to have a crazy woman shout at me over the phone for failing to lose weight on a diet that cut out pretty much all major food groups – I wasn’t even allowed to eat peas for chrissake. PEAS!  Pfft.

I did a ‘Total Detox’ thing where I only ate non-processed food for a month. I paid to be a member of the Nerd Fitness Academy (which is actually a great site, I’d highly recommend it) and have since totally failed to implement any of the advice, because….[insert excuse here].

I’ve counted calories via MyFitnessPal, tried cutting out carbs and sugar, and have had ‘healthy’ food boxes delivered to try and regulate what I eat.

Even after all that – after ALL the time and the money and the thousands of bloody weigh-ins, I’m no further forward. I’m still unhappy. I’m still overweight.

And now I travel for most of the year, making it difficult to regulate what I eat, what routines I can stick to, and how I can keep track of my weight when I don’t have any scales to hand.

So this is why I’m starting this blog – I need somewhere to capture everything I’ve learned from the countless programmes I’ve followed, I need accountability, and I need to stop with the excuses and just get on with it.

This is my ‘before’. I want to look back on this and marvel at how messed up I was, and how great it is that I’ve transformed into someone with a better mindset and a healthy, fit and active body that I’m proud of. And hopefully, that I’ve worked out how to make booze and cheese a major part of a healthy, balanced diet.

Bring it.

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