Juicing: Day 2 – I make this sh*t look easy

Start weight: 166 lbs
Current weight: 163.6

Two days into my juicing experiment and I’ve already lost 2.4 lbs! I guess most of that is water, but it certainly doesn’t hurt my motivation to see the number on the scales going down so soon.

And as for the juicing itself? It’s… ok.

The juice tastes fine, there are very few dishes to do and I’ve found I don’t get that heavy, sleepy feeling after lunch anymore.

But it’s not all unicorns and rainbows. Instead of feeling heavy and sleepy, I feel lightheaded and have stomach pains. And the hunger – oh god, the hunger – is really not pleasant.

Is it perverse that I’m taking comfort in some of these side effects? It feels weirdly good to be in discomfort because I can tell myself that what I’m doing is working.

The only thing keeping me going is the prospect of real food for dinner every night – if I can just get to dinner time, it’ll all be fine. I think we’re probably making it worse for ourselves because our bodies won’t adjust to the juicing if we’re always breaking up the process with food, but I don’t care – there isn’t a cats chance in hell I’m giving up my dinner.

And if my weight loss continues, I’m not complaining.

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I can’t believe we’re juicing

After trying so many crappy diets and reading countless articles on healthy eating, I thought I’d got to a place where I could finally rule out faddy diets. Because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that to be successful, you need to find a way of eating that’s both healthy AND sustainable, or you’ll fall off the waggon as soon as you’ve heaved your blubbering mass onto it.

And yet here I am, trying a weird hybrid diet that fuses together juicing and slow carb. We’ve totally made it up ourselves, so the downside is that there’s zero proof it works. But being the first has its perks too – we got to give our creation a name: the Slow Juice Diet. Next stop: book deal, Oprah, the world!

The reason we’re embarking on this juicing experiment is because of a documentary we watched called Fat Sick and Nearly Dead. It was made by Joe Cross, an extremely overweight and unhealthy Aussie who went on a juice fast for 60 days, all the while travelling across America and finding other overweight bods to needle about their predicament along the way.

His fast was a huge success, of course, and he also managed to help a trucker with the same autoimmune condition as him lost a vast amount of weight too. It’s all hugely inspiring – the juicers end up looking like different people and they all report incredible changes to health, energy and mood. Even the most unpleasant side effects (dodgy bowel movements, headaches, hunger, feeling unwell) all seem to clear after about three days.

So this sounds amazing, right?! And once you’ve done the initial fast you can just ‘eat healthily’ (because that’s so easy) and – Kablammo! – suddenly you’re a supermodel and your husband looks like Tom Hardy! I may be reading between the lines here…

That said, we quickly talked ourselves out of proper juicing – we know people who’ve done the full juicing thing before and to be honest, they weren’t great adverts. Sure, they lost weight, but they ALWAYS looked miserable, they spent an awful lot of their time just shopping, preparing and juicing, and as soon as they finished they put all the weight back on again. And let’s face it, while juicing might work amazingly for some people, most will have a similar experience to our friends.

So, you may well ask – why the frick are we juicing then?

Well, our theory is that by introducing one slow carb meal a day, we’ll benefit from the discipline, portion control and nutritional aspects of juicing but be less tempted to give up.

Our diet plan does get a little complicated though. We’ve also built in a cheat day so we can eat whatever the hell we like for a few glorious hours, as well as ANOTHER day where we only have one juice and two slow carb meals.

Confused yet??

So, for Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday we’ll be having green juice for both breakfast and lunch, then a slow carb dinner in the evening.

Friday will be a juice for breakfast then a slow carb meal for both lunch and dinner.

Saturday will be a free for all.

Then, Sunday and Monday we’ll be back to 2 x green juice and 1 x slow carb meal a day to try and mitigate the cheatz.

And we’ll see if this thing actually works when we weigh in again on Tuesday!

Wish me luck!

Zoe Fernandez and the Last Dumb Diet

Can you tell I’m re-reading Harry Potter at the moment? Heh. I’ll try and restrain myself with Potter references for the rest of this post, but seeing as I’m literally writing this for a rapt audience of one at this point (me), it doesn’t really matter what I reference.

But crashing on….

This post (and blog) is a metaphorical line in the sand. Like a lot of women, I’ve been on a diet since ever since I can remember – since before I had a choice, in fact, as I can distinctly recall being given Special K for breakfast and a Get in Shape Girl kit (which I think I asked for), even when I was still in primary school.

In high school, I did the Cabbage Diet with my parents, introduced ‘Saturday Sweet Days’ to cut down on the sugary stuff and  – when I was too large to fit in the normal-sized school uniforms –  I was given an old Jane Fonda workout DVD in an attempt to sweat the lard devil out of me.

I got the message in my later teens – I went to Rosemary Conley classes, asked for a Step Reebok for Christmas, and followed Slimming World for a while. But it didn’t quite translate into a healthier shape.

Oddly, the most success I found was when I took a year out of college and worked at KFC. I’d spend my 8-hour shifts running around putting orders together and goofing off with my friends (hey, I was 19, it’s practically the law to dick about at that age) and hit upon a really fun and massively stupid diet – it was the ‘Eat one meal a day at home and then just chain smoke and drink Diet Coke on your breaks’ diet. It worked, and for a few months in 2001 I looked slim and felt like I ruled the world. But a girl cannot survive on ciggies and Diet Coke alone (well, this girl can’t anyway), and as soon as I got back to uni I chubbed up so fast it was like something out of the Nutty Professor

Since then I’ve tried Slimming World again (twice), Weight Watchers (also twice), and paid good money to have a crazy woman shout at me over the phone for failing to lose weight on a diet that cut out pretty much all major food groups – I wasn’t even allowed to eat peas for chrissake. PEAS!  Pfft.

I did a ‘Total Detox’ thing where I only ate non-processed food for a month. I paid to be a member of the Nerd Fitness Academy (which is actually a great site, I’d highly recommend it) and have since totally failed to implement any of the advice, because….[insert excuse here].

I’ve counted calories via MyFitnessPal, tried cutting out carbs and sugar, and have had ‘healthy’ food boxes delivered to try and regulate what I eat.

Even after all that – after ALL the time and the money and the thousands of bloody weigh-ins, I’m no further forward. I’m still unhappy. I’m still overweight.

And now I travel for most of the year, making it difficult to regulate what I eat, what routines I can stick to, and how I can keep track of my weight when I don’t have any scales to hand.

So this is why I’m starting this blog – I need somewhere to capture everything I’ve learned from the countless programmes I’ve followed, I need accountability, and I need to stop with the excuses and just get on with it.

This is my ‘before’. I want to look back on this and marvel at how messed up I was, and how great it is that I’ve transformed into someone with a better mindset and a healthy, fit and active body that I’m proud of. And hopefully, that I’ve worked out how to make booze and cheese a major part of a healthy, balanced diet.

Bring it.